Everything was still and quiet.
“What are you doing up there? Come down, please!”
I couldn’t hear anything but myself. It was as if I had disconnected from the world, and all I focused on was the adrenaline rushing as I stood there on top of the world. This serene night is the one thing I needed from everything that goes on in my life. The gusting wind caresses my skin like a welcoming embrace from the skies, and the clouds move slowly as I live in the moment where every minute is fatal yet slow paced. My lips can’t help but smile uncontrollably as my tears continue to flow down my cheek. I closed my eyes as I felt the moonlight shining brightly at me. Everything is finally just right.
I am the only person who is awake and alive tonight.
“Don’t do this to yourself! You think this is the only way to end your pain but it isn’t.”
These echoes have always been there. They exist in my head but sometimes are from the people I know. I wouldn’t say that I’m annoyed or bothered by it but there are chances that I shut these voices off. I often try to understand what they meant to me but most of the time these repetitive yet agonizing voices won’t stop until I’ve reached my breaking point. Their justifications of how my existence matters to their lives or even the world as if I made a wonderful difference that will positively change everything miserable in this reality. Pessimistic as it may sound, this is actually my logical view; reality is what one must tragically face. Some people have to say what they think because they are socially obligated to because it is the right thing to do but a number of them really mean what they say because they are full of genuine love and care. To these few, I feel bad for them.
As much as I sympathize with their genuine understanding, it is a matter of looking at what goes on the other side of the fence. When they know how lifeless the grass and flowers of my fields are, they offer help or even take the time to help myself grow and prosper again but once they’ve realized how unattended my fields are which led to scarce and chaos, sooner or later they’d likely see that my mind is not worth nurtured for. The way of reality is to attend one’s own garden of flowers and fields of grass but when chaos consumes myself whole, it makes maintaining one’s garden an overwhelming task with no motivation to keep it sustained. It is left dwindling away from its life it once had until I watch myself die along with it.
I didn’t intend to lose myself but I did.
“There is still hope for you. Everyone loves you!”
As I stood there looking up at the sky, she was the only light that shines bright through the darkness of reality. No matter how much the clouds and polluted air filled in the sky or when the city lights and bustling roads took over, her presence stands out through its nurturing nature during the night. Whenever I find myself back at this edge of falling from the greater heights, she watched over me when everyone was in their slumber. Every tear dropped on the floor turned into a pool of sorrow as I fell on my knees carrying the weight of what I call burdens I carry everyday. Her luminous spirit soothed the heaviness of every broken piece of my heart as I went back through those nights I chose to neglect myself. I took a good look at my wrists and placed my hands on my thighs as I felt the rough texture with the same lines I drew on each part of myself. She always knew how to see right through all the buried parts of myself.
In this life full of hatred and pain, the moon is the only living thing that keeps me alive.
I watch myself reaching for its light in every dark situation in hopes I live another day with a new fulfilling purpose. It was the only thing I knew that kept me stable as my sense of direction lost its way. This tragic realm of uncertainty made me cling to the fact that the moonlight will be there to lead its path in every step of the way. I held on tight to it until I found myself chasing after it no matter how far I would lead myself to possess the only thing that kept my heart beating. I continued to run for that light as fast as I could but in every step and second I took the opportunity to grab it, it was at the tip of my hands until it was lost and out of my grasp. I knew that I had to let go but my heart still carried the gruesome fear of facing the pit of darkness.
No matter how much I chase it, the moon won’t always shine in the dark.
Once again, I was a child who was scared of the dark without a nightlight because she was scared of the monsters under her bed. It thrives in the dark whenever I am alone on my bed with no light to look up to. This darkness along with the monsters that lingers in every corner of the room consumes me whole. I clenched on my shirt tightly as my accelerated heart beat pumps out of my chest. Every part of my body trembles in the fear that was filled inside my heart. My shoulders started to give in to the heavy load of what I’ve been carrying for so long, my eyes became sore as it dried up from the tears I’ve cried every night, and my scars still bleed from all the things I’ve kept hidden from everyone. Everything of myself fell apart during those days until I allowed the monstrous void to consume me. It was also being in the dark that made me realize that even these things that haunt me are a part of myself.
The monster I’ve been scared of yearns to be understood but wasn’t because of hatred.
“Doing this won’t end your pain, it will make it worse. Please, don’t go over the edge!”
Raindrops started to fall from above when the clouds covered the moon and night sky. It continued to flow on my lifeless body as I closed my eyes. The showers of the rain was my final taste of my life’s sorrows as it was heavily pouring down on my skin to the ground. The gush of raindrops was as fast as my breathing when trying to prepare myself for the unknown. I felt nothing but the beat of my heart as it pumped at a rapid pace. As I was going to take one step at the ledge of the cliff, I heard a peculiar yet familiar voice. I turned back to see a translucent facade figure in the rain.
She wasn’t a living being yet her presence was as if our souls were one except hers was filled with light and hope. Her eyes widened while the tears flowed like the waterfall as she stood there standing in the rain. Even if her expressed sorrow was displayed right in front of me, I can’t help but feel the energy of light she has within her heart. It was a strange connection but it was as if she knew how heavy the burden I am carrying. The light in her eyes felt the pain I was going through too. I looked at her dumbfounded with a heavy heart. As I looked at her, she stared at me for a few seconds before she burst out the words I never expected from myself.
“You know that you never deserved this. Don’t let go of yourself! Don’t let go of me.”
My vision started to blur as my tears were uncontrollably rushing through my cheeks. She said not to let go of this; my life. What part of me is worth holding on to? Everything that I’ve held onto during my lifetime, they eventually let go of all the things that meant a lot to me. Everyone leaves with such ease while I am left staying behind as I watch them disappear. As I stood there, I found myself grieving for someone’s presence, wishing that someone would approach and tell me that I am worth staying around for, but no one. I wake up every day hoping that things will get better but as time goes by, I learn to let that go until I realize that it is finally time to let go of myself. Taking this first step on the edge meant that I am finally getting rid of this pain my heart has endured for so long. Being able to do this for myself is the only way to end this misery.
I didn’t want this pain but it is the only way to erase it.
As I wiped my tears, I glanced at the facade figure sobbing as it reflected the version of who I once was. She still had the light in her soul but with sorrow in her eyes; it was as if she was begging for me to stay for a little longer. As I reached the edge, nearing the end, I smiled at her with what happiness is left in my entire being. Before letting myself go, I whispered to her.
“I’m sorry.”
Everything is now quiet and peaceful after those words were said.
